Checking out

               Stress is something I know very well. Worrying is my best friend. Anxiety has become second nature to me. I don’t think I ever wake up feeling normal anymore. I go to sleep with a brain full of thoughts and when I wake up it is just a continuum of the same thoughts. All of this has taken a toll on me in the form of some weird undiagnosed (as of right now) illness and that is scary only adding to the worry. I have been good on just going with the flow until recently when everything just seems to be piling up. I am trying to keep up with the what happens happens mentality and it is freaking hard. We are not programed to trust, even as much as we may want to. It is a constant battle of knowing God knows what is best and trusting him to do his thing. It is WORK and I am working on it. Now more than ever, since they cant quite figure out what is wrong with me yet (more tests are pending).

              So now I am just taking a step back from the stress of it all and just shrugging stuff off. I think I can lean on my husband a little more, seeking his help in some of the situations. "You want to buy a house, honey? Okay, you pick it out and deal with all the stuff that comes with it. You can plan the trip to Texas and the budget. I am checking out, babe." It isn’t a vindictive move, or one that I am taking so that I can just push responsibility off on him, it is a move to save my sanity and my health.

Organized Chaos

          It has been three years since my last blog post. I am horrible, I know. In those three years so much has changed. I have five children now. My youngest, Charlie, just turned two. We live in Georgia but are moving back to Texas in a few months. Like the title reads...organized chaos. I honesty don't know what my days will bring but each morning I greet the day with optimistic enthusiasm! Okay, I lied. I want to greet the mornings that way however my waking up more resembles that meme going around of the skeleton crawling down the side walk. I would be crawling towards the coffee of course. I wish I was supermom who had all her shit together. Someone who could nonchalantly shrug off the days problems. Someone who seemed to always be aware of her surroundings. I keep waiting for that adult figure in me to turn on. Nearing thirty now and I just don't see it coming any time soon. I still feel like that awkward teenager who is on the brink of adulthood but still hasn't a clue as to what the ever loving f*** she is doing.

           I feel somewhat organized. Especially with my love of list making, planners, and daily organizers. But of course with such a big family, living on the military's time, and just being human that means my life is chaotic and messy. I have learned to accept it. Embrace it even. I am tired of comparing myself to other women, tired of trying to reach an unobtainable standard for stay at home moms. So here I am, raw, unfiltered, and ready to share my chaos with the world.