Since my resent obsession with dreams--prompted by one that pretty much came true a few days later which was just too weird not to take note and dig in to the deeper meaning of it--I have spent sometime learning more about them. More specifically lucid dreaming. The past few nights have been futile on that front. Last night however sparked my interest.
I have been researching the whole lucid dreaming and the ability to actually talk to your subconscious through it. It peeked my interest of course. I mean who wouldn't want to know what that "inner you" really wants. A guy, who has posted a lot of videos on the subject, talked about how, like in Inception, the people in your dreams are a reflection of your subconscious. So if you wanted to ask it a question, your subconscious would answer. I took it a step up though.
Last night I started with the simple F.I.L.D. (finger induced lucid dreaming) it failed several times since I fell asleep and did not have a lucid dream. But thanks to Aria I wake up several times a night still, and on my third go I went straight into a lucid dream. Which sort of goes like this. I lay in bed, twitching the fingers slightly, concentrating on playing the piano and before I know it I am opening my eyes into a dream. Unfortunately for me that means I am in a state of sleep paralysis (not sure why this always happens when I go straight from a thought to dreaming, I am working on that NOT happening). So instead of just laying there I pull at my body, separating my "spirt" from my body. Sounds wonky but this is a dream after all. I managed to pull away from my sleeping form and float towards the ceiling for a bit. When I glance down I can see my sleeping form and I am elated that it worked. Now I know this is a dream and I go straight to the mirror to chat with myself.
I ask myself "What do I really want to do?" I often flitter between possible career choices, never really sticking to one thing.
The mirrored version of me answers "A writer. You can't make up your mind because nothing else will make you happy. If you write, you can become all of those things and more."
I ask again, "Who am I?"
The mirrored version smiles, "You are you. The good the bad the ugly. You are everything at once."
At this point I feel my sleeping body calling me. More so I feel Aria starting to rustle around. I look at David's sleeping form (because I am dreaming of exactly how my room is that night, baby and husband too) and turn to the mirrored me again.
"Are we ever going to be truly happy?"
She knows what I mean. She knows what my heart has been crying out for. She is me. She knows what I long for. She also knows him, and his unchanging ways. She smiles at me, sadly, and shakes her head. That is when I know. Nothing will change. This is it. I will never be enough for him and in turn he will never be completely there for me either. He has a foot in both worlds and that won't change. I frown and nod my head and before I know it my eyes snap open and I am awake.
I have never had a dream so real like this before. I have never asked my subconscious anything before. But deep down the truth is there and I am to stubborn to see it most of the time. So now the truth is there. I can't avoid it anymore. No matter how many times I look away and pretend it doesn't exist it does. Time to face the music.
When I started out, thinking about what questions to ask that last one was not one of those. But when I turned and saw him sleeping, his phone on his nightstand almost glowing I had to know the truth.
The truth hurts, but I am not a quitter.
I fully intend of trying this again and again, if only I could actually sleep through the night. It has been almost two years now that I have not been able to sleep properly. First pregnancy insomnia and now a child who still nurses at night or gets sick and wants comfort.
Coffee is my BFF.
I should note that I also dreamt about the Vampire Diaries :) that was indeed a pleasant dream.
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