Everything At Once

To dare mighty things... is brave and exasperating. Thank you Images program for getting this blog started for me. I dare very many mighty things… it is the follow through I have a problem with. I am the queen of leaving things unfinished. I have all these "brilliant" ideas but never see them through to the end. I really need to work on that. This was supposed to be the year I figure it out and re-invent myself and honestly the self actualization was there but it is the changing and growing I have an issue with.

When I was younger I thought by this point in time I would have life figured out. I would be accomplished and set in my career by now. I envisioned a swanky London flat, several cats,  a best friend I did everything with, and a job that I loved and paid well. Never in a million years would I have believed someone if they told me that by the age of 26 I would be married, an Army wife, and have 4 children. I would have laughed and called them crazy. At 15 I didn't want children, I didn't want to get married, I just wanted to be free.

But here I am, 26, an Army wife, stay at home mother of 4, adoptive mother to 2 dogs and 3 cats, and completely and totally in a daze. I don't have my shit together; I barely know up from down on most days. I do not live in London--in fact I am living on a military base in Texas. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know what goals I should be setting and I am hoping and praying that I am not somehow screwing up my kids while I fake my way through parenting. I am lost.

But then I think about it… REALLY think about it. Does anyone ever have it figured out? Life is messy and hard. You cannot predict what is going to happen, and the older you get the more you change and grow into someone new. It isn't a simple metamorphoses, you don't just magically change over night and become someone different and stay that way until death. Everyday you change and grow into someone else and it isn't going to be a one-time thing; it is constant. One minute I want to be a makeup artist and the next I want to be a writer. The fact is THIS IS IT. There are no unicorns farting rainbows or a moment where everything clicks and you become this awesomest version of yourself. It happens overtime and if you are anything like me you will fuck it up… A LOT. Moral of the story is I don't have one single thing I am shooting for. I am the epitome of ADHD, I want everything at once.